It was our first Christmas morning together. We were in Seattle, where my husband, Craig, was a rookie for the Seattle Seahawks, thousands of miles away from both of our families. There had always been something magical for me about Christmas mornings. The smells of bacon sizzling, and cinnamon rolls right out of the oven. The bows and bright wrapping on the presents peaking out from under the Christmas tree. So on our first Christmas morning together, he and I awoke early to the memories of our individual Christmas pasts. As we held hands and headed to the living room of our rented apartment, the reality of our Christmas morning together seemed to hit us at the same time: No breakfast was cooking. No stockings were stuffed with surprises nor were presents peaking out from under the tree. We didn’t even have a tree.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Establishing Home Field Advantage for the Holidays
It was our first Christmas morning together. We were in Seattle, where my husband, Craig, was a rookie for the Seattle Seahawks, thousands of miles away from both of our families. There had always been something magical for me about Christmas mornings. The smells of bacon sizzling, and cinnamon rolls right out of the oven. The bows and bright wrapping on the presents peaking out from under the Christmas tree. So on our first Christmas morning together, he and I awoke early to the memories of our individual Christmas pasts. As we held hands and headed to the living room of our rented apartment, the reality of our Christmas morning together seemed to hit us at the same time: No breakfast was cooking. No stockings were stuffed with surprises nor were presents peaking out from under the tree. We didn’t even have a tree.
Monday, September 16, 2013
Boundaries: They're Not Just for Games Anymore!
White lines are meticulously painted on the football field before each game. In the NFL, there is no room for error. Each line is significant and each line is precise. The lines become the boundaries that contain the game. Inside the lines, the game is alive. Outside the lines, the play is blown dead. Players on the field are intimately aware of each white line. Just an inch or the drag of a toe can make the difference between a career-defining catch and an incompletion.
Thankfully, in football there are referees and instant replay. Every inch is important and often they define the outcome of the game.
Like football, marriages must have clearly defined boundaries. Because we have neither neutral referees nor instant replay to help determine when the boundary lines in marriage have been crossed, it is best to stay as far away from the edge as possible. Even the appearance of a toe over the line can be enough to disrupt a marriage.
The advice you are about to read for creating and staying within the boundaries of marriage may seem extreme, or at least unconventional. Unfortunately, so might the idea of a lasting marriage. “‘Til death do us part” has become unconventional in our society where the median length of a marriage is just 11 years.
Here are some boundaries from my marriage that you might use to start painting boundaries of your own. This list is not exhaustive, but it is a start. Marital boundaries should be created together. They are not a punishment nor a way of saying that you lack trust in your partner. Instead, they are a way for you to voluntarily maintain accountability in your relationship.
- Share Passwords: Share all account sign-in and password information with each other for email, bank accounts, etc.. Link each other’s email accounts to your phones. This is an easy reminder not to write anything that might make your spouse uncomfortable.
- Blue-on-Blue/Pink-on-Pink: Never spend time alone with someone of the opposite sex who is not related to you. No exceptions. This includes private emails and online chatting. CC each other on emails to let the recipient know that it is not a private message.
- Same Sex Friends: It is hard for men and women to be “just friends”. To avoid the temptation from either side, maintain friendships with same-sex friends who cannot threaten your marriage. Before we were married, we both had platonic opposite sex friends. Within our marriage, we do not take that chance.
- Be Rude to Others, Not Each Other: Flirty women deserve no attention from married men and vice-versa for flirty men and married women. Make that clear by walking away if you sense something inappropriate. A good rule for NFL players taking pictures with football fans is: No Touching. Keep your hands to yourself and it is harder for the picture to be misconstrued by anyone, especially in the online socially-networked world in which we live. Even with close family friends, a one-armed hug or a high-five is usually greeting enough. Full hugs are rarely needed for non-family members.
- Don’t Complain About your Spouse: Build up your spouse in public. Tell your friends the great parts of your marriage, leave the drama for your journal or your therapist. Long after you forgive and forget, friends will still remember the dirt you shared with them about your spouse.
- Have an Accountability Partner: Choose friends who respect your marriage and your spouse. Ask them to check in with you periodically to see how you are doing as a spouse. If you need to travel separately, share a room with a same-sex friend or business acquaintance as a layer of accountability. NFL players can request a shared room with a teammate for away games.
- Date Your Spouse: Remember what drew you to each other in the first place and work to keep that alive. The grass is greenest where it is watered. Schedule weekly date nights even if you are eating dinner at home together after the kids are asleep. Dress up and commit to making your spouse feel attractive and loved. The more fun you have together the easier it will be to stay within the boundaries of your marriage.
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Think of your marriage as a football field. What do your boundary lines look like? Are they old and faded or freshly painted and well defined? Maintaining clear boundaries will help you stay in bounds -- and help you create a marriage that thrives.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
A Reason to Cheer: How to be a Supportive Spouse
“HE IS NOT PERFECT,” I wanted to shout. I knew he was wonderful -- I chose to marry him. But although I adored Craig, I began to fear that I might be the only person who could see that he was not always perfect.
- List the positive traits that first attracted you to him. Keep them where you will be reminded of them.
- Speak only positively of him to others, no matter what the situation. Let him overhear you complimenting him to others.
- Celebrate all of his victories and accomplishments with him, big and small.
- Place a sticky note on his bathroom mirror for him to find in the morning that says, “I believe in you!”
- Wear his jersey! Football fans aren’t afraid to show their loyalty, show him that you are his biggest fan.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
The Benefits of Friendship for Healthy NFL Marriages
I was recently asked to write for the NFL Women's Resource Initiative. This article will be my first monthly piece and I will also be answering write-in questions on the website about love and relationships. Because of the audience of the NFL's website, this piece is more NFL-centric than most of my blog entries. I'll be posting each of them on this site for my readers before they go live on the NFL's site. I would love to hear your feedback.
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When my husband, Craig, was drafted to play for the Seattle Seahawks in 2004, we left our homes across the country to make a new home, together, on the West Coast. We didn’t know anyone in Seattle and really, we were still learning to love each other.
I spent months alone in our apartment, sitting on our rented couch, feeling sorry for myself. I began to resent Craig for taking me across the country far from the dreams of my own that I sacrificed for him.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Ring-by-Spring
“We’re here to find the spouse God intends for us,” my undergraduate students at a private Christian liberal arts university explained to me. It was my first week on campus and I’d already heard whispers among faculty of their rising concern about “Ring-by-Spring,” a quick-marriage-is-best phenomenon sweeping college campuses around the nation.
I was floored by their collective preference to start dating one semester and be married by the next. Did they not know the joy of first dates? First kisses? Fun crushes that lasted just long enough to break a small piece of their hearts before they moved on to the next?
That’s the WORST timing possible, I dream-crushingly shouted to the googly-eyed undergrads. “You can’t possibly even know if you like each other yet”
They watched their female friends drop out of school after receiving their “MRS. Degrees” and they longed to be the next to say, “I do.”
Unexpectedly, my public speaking class turned into a lecture on love.
Eighty-eight percent of Americans between the ages of 20 and 29 believe that they have a soul mate who is waiting for them. Approximately ninety percent of them will choose to marry. It wasn’t their desire to be married that shocked me, it was their willingness to jump into the covenant so quickly.
I told them about limerence - the state of falling in love; when one becomes obsessive about love. At once, the burgeoning-lover’s brain sees a shift as the dopamine levels rise and serotonin drops. The rise in dopamine sends sensations of pleasure to the brain. For new lovers, the drop in serotonin resembles the serotonin levels of those with obsessive-compulsive disorder, thus explaining the obsessive feelings new lovers feel toward their beloved. In essence, it makes them feel “crazy” in love. And so what do we do? Commit our lives to each other? NO!
I even broke out the marriage survival rate statistics:
- Over 67% of first marriages will fail.
- You have the best chances of your marriage lasting if you are at least 25 years old when you marry.
- The chances of your marriage lasting increases with each year of college that you complete.
“Why not wait at least until you graduate?” I begged them. They just giggled.
That night, I couldn’t fall asleep as I wracked my brain for a reason why these seemingly intelligent students wanted to rush so quickly into the life-long commitment of marriage. I admired their faith -- their thought that God would introduce them only to their future spouse. But certainly they must realize that God couldn’t have intended for each of them to meet their future spouse at school, I reasoned. After all, the university has enough females to host mini-episodes of The Bachelor on campus for each single male. Why were they so willing to get married? Was it a right of passage? A trophy for the most desirable coeds on campus? Perhaps it was as simple as engaging in the most foolproof way to avoid premarital sex.
“What are you looking for in a potential spouse?” I asked them as class was ending.
They took turns at first, one at a time, each of them telling me what they most desired in a potential mate. I recorded their answers as they told me:
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This graphic contains the complete list of my students' answers to what they were looking for in a potential partner. |
- Strong
- Respectful
- Passionate
- Committed
- Funny
- Respectful
- Honest
- Loving
- Understanding
- Understandable
- Spiritual
The list went on.
“I want someone who is okay with how I look too,” a young bearded man from the back of the room shouted, as if placing his order for a soulmate.
Not a single student said they were looking for love.
“What about love?” I asked, pointing out what seemed like an accidental omission. “Would you marry someone who had all of these things you wanted even if you didn’t love them?”
“Of course,” they answered. “Love is inevitable when everything else is in place,” they explained, “even if it takes a while to develop it.”
...
I felt as if I had stepped back in time.
In America, love has become the most important factor in our decision to marry. But it wasn’t always that way. In fact, the idea of marrying for love has been growing steadily for about the last 200 years. Before then, marriage was mainly used to unite families for peace making and financial purposes.
As recently as the 1960s, 75% of American women said they would marry a person they didn’t love if the person had all of the other characteristics that they were looking for.
By the 1980s, romantic relationships were the most frequent topic of conversation for college students but only 20% women said they would forego being in love with a marriage partner who had all of the other traits they desired.
The number has only grown since then as the Western idea of the “love-fueled” marriage is catching on throughout the world (and higher divorce rates follow closely behind).
Perhaps my googly-eyed Christian undergrads are on to something. While the rest of us are out hunting for love with Cupid's arrows, they have a more thought-out and lasting list of “must-haves” in their quiver. Historically, love as an impetus for marriage hasn’t been a good thing for those who want their marriages to last. Perhaps the “naive” Christian co-eds are onto something that may help the rest of us when choosing a partner. And perhaps “Ring-by-Spring” isn’t so bad for those who are not under the spell of limerence that leaves the rest of us crazy in love.
I’ll keep you updated. In the meantime, I’d love to hear your thoughts.
References, for those of you who would like to read more:
Coontz, S. (2005). Marriage, a History: from obedience to intimacy or how love
conquered marriage. City: Viking
Fisher, H., Aron, D., Mashek, D., Li, H., & Brown, L. (2002) “Defining the Brain
Systems of Lust, Romantic Attraction, and Attachment”. Archives of Sexual Behavior,
31:5. 413-419
Haas, A. & Sherman, M.A. (1982). “Reported topics of conversation among same-sex
adults.” Communication quarterly, 30, 332-342.
Kreider, R. M., & Simmons, T. (2003). Marital status 2000. Census 2000 Brief (C2CBR-
20). Washington, DC: U.S. Census Bureau.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
For What Do You Hunger?
Brant was one of my professors at Purdue University -- and he was one of the people’s whose brilliant ideas and passion for his job made me fall in love with the idea of being a professor. Even today, I can’t help but think of him every time I teach.

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